It's a Long Road

...with lots of ups and downs. The road to my mom's recovery, I mean. I thought I'd better at least post that she is doing better and give a little update, but I'm amazed at how life-altering this disease has been for her and all of us. After 8 days in a coma and 3 days of being mentally altered, out of touch with reality and not sleeping at ALL, Mom seems to be slowly coming back to us. I hate to see her so fragile and weak, and I know she hates to be that way. Tomorrow will mark two weeks since entering the hospital on Valentine's Day and they're trying to discharge her to a skilled nursing facility/rehabilitation center for another week. She still needs I.V. antibiotics and will need some physical and occupational therapy to help her regain her strength. I just ache to see her in the hospital bed knowing how hard it is to get comfortable and actually heal while in a hospital (is that a sad irony or what?) But, another week in a facility where they can take care of her and keep her away from the germ house we live in should give us a chance to try to get everyone over colds/ear infections/sore throats etc.

The one sad thing I've realized through all of this is, that a few times, what I've needed most was a listening ear to share the fear, or sadness, or frustration of seeing Mom so sick. But the perfect listening ear I've relied on for so many years IS my mom, so I'm holding it inside trying to figure out who else might substitute. I'm experiencing a process of weaning myself from her that is similar to what I went through when I first got married and had to stop calling her every time I got sick (just so I could hear her amazingly sympathetic and nurturing voice). I remember I was surprised to notice one day, several years into my marriage that I no longer needed my mommy in that situation. Now I realize that there will also come a time when I can no longer call her when I need an emotional moment of nurture -- that she too will eventually grow old and die. I don't think it will be soon, but now I see it coming, whereas before I couldn't imagine it. Somehow, that thought is a little harder for me to take. Maybe that's where grown-up daughters come in. I guess when Hannah is an adult we might share some of these things until I grow old and the whole cycle starts all over again. I'm sorry to be morbid -- she'd probably hate that I'm feeling this way! But, I guess I'm surprised to discover that this cycle of separating myself from my mom is happening again.

The bottom line is though, that once again her life has been spared and I am beyond grateful. She still has so much to offer and I just couldn't stand to see her go yet! So I pray for strength and for peace and trust that she will be blessed to pull through this latest challenge. And that I can be the kind of support for my children that she is for me. That would truly be a fitting tribute to a beloved mother, don't you think?

Kissing and Marriage

Things are kind of tense around here with my mom so sick in the hospital -- she's actually gotten a little worse and is now on a ventilator. We're worried but trying not to be pessimistic, just taking things as they come. If you would like to get regular email updates on her condition, let me know and I'll put you on the list I've compiled of her friends and family.

So, with things kind of sad around here, a funny conversation with Curty this morning was greatly appreciated and I thought I'd share it. It all started with Gid. He has learned how to kiss and loves to kiss everybody (usually on the knee, which is where he can reach.) He puckers his little lips up just like a fish and lays one on you then goes to find his next object of affection. This morning I was joking with him and said, "That's right Giddy, get all your kisses done now, then save the rest for marriage." Curtis was sitting at the table listening and then he got that look in his eyes that says he's processing something and pipes up, "Mom, you know how you and dad got married a long, LONG time ago?" I laughed at that and said, "Yeah, it was a long time ago." "Did you have children then?" he asks. "Um, nope, I didn't have any children yet." I'm chuckling and thinking, "Should I have this discussion with him....NO!" So then he continues, "Well, then why do you and dad still kiss?" I reply "Curtis, you're supposed to kiss when you're married!" I guess he understood my comment to Gid about kissing to mean that you save all your kisses for your wedding day, when you lay one big smooch on your sweetie, never to kiss again. I'm glad to know that we proved to him that his hypothesis was wrong. It would be sad if he didn't know that Ren I ever kiss. Someday I'll explain that thing about where the children came from and he can make all the connections in the kissing conversation.

Tender Mercies

It's been a few days since I posted, mostly because my mom has been here visiting and I don't need to avoid taking care of things when I have someone here to talk to and help me. She's always amazing that way. She came down here to soak in the sunshine and to rest and do some painting and drawing. Sadly for her she came to the house of sickies. Both of the "littles" have been very sick with croup, double ear infections, etc. and she ended up catching their nasty germs. We got her on anti-biotics and she seemed to be doing better until Wednesday when she started with this incredible ear pain. It just so happened that that day, my Dad flew in from Oregon to surprise her for Valentine's Day. He showed up with two dozen pink roses just as she was going to lay down. She was so happy her sweetie was here, but didn't feel good enough to really enjoy it and by evening, she got nauseated and started throwing up. She had this awful neck pain and horrible chills and curled up on the bed miserable. By morning when I went in to check on them, my dad told me that she had a high fever and was no longer responding verbally to him. She was writhing on the bed and moaning, breathing rapidly but not being able to wake up. It was bizarre to see this happening because I had been praying that she'd make a great recovery and we'd be able to spend the weekend playing. We ended up calling 911 and they took her by ambulance to the hospital with a fever of 104 degrees and very dehydrated. After an entire day of tests, spending the day writhing in an ER bed with my Dad by her side, they finally did a spinal tap and diagnosed her as having bacterial spinal meningitis. My heart skips a beat typing that. I feel terrible for her, she's suffered so much in the last two years since she was hit by an SUV while walking across the street. I wasn't there then and felt helpless, but this time I will have the opportunity to be there for her and help take care of her. I also feel sad for my Dad having to see her suffer again; I know it brings back the whole experience when she had her accident and is hard for him.

I don't want this post to be tragic though, I want it to be about the tender mercies of the Lord. I'm so grateful my Dad is here. How awful it would be for my mom to go through this without her hubby and how helpless my dad would feel if he were in Oregon hearing about it over the phone. Not only that, but if he hadn't been here we might not have known how sick my mom was all night long and into the morning until we checked on her later. She needed him and he was inspired to be here. I'm sure some people wonder why God would allow a sweet lady like my mom to get so sick in the first place. I spent some time thinking about that myself until I read my scriptures this morning. I was reminded that it is USUALLY the good people of the world who suffer in some way or another. That is how this world is set up -- so these trials will remind us who will support us and who we can turn to for miracles and comfort. But God loves my mom and knew she would need her husband, so he's here.

Visiting her and watching her suffer I also began to understand how the Savior is able to comfort us perfectly, having suffered personally our pains and afflictions. This realization happened as I thought of too many painful, uncomfortable days and nights I've spent in the hospital with my c-section babies. As a result, when we went to visit my mom, I felt such empathy for her as I watched her treatment unfold. As we stood there, the male nurse came up, flipped on the lights over head, roughly shook her shoulder and said loudly, "I need you to roll over on your back." My mom hadn't been coherent all day and didn't even know where she was or why, just that this abrupt man was causing her more discomfort. It brought back my own memories of similar treatment and this interaction made me hurt for her. As soon as he left I asked my Dad to turn off the lights because I knew that when she is sick, lights almost always hurt her eyes. Then when we visited her in ICU the monitor beeped incessantly and brought back memories of trying to sleep the night after a c-section and not being able to sleep because the machines I was hooked up to made so much noise. I asked the nurse if they had to be turned up so loud and told him how hard it is to sleep with monitors beeping all night. I felt a little silly, but my yearning to make her more comfortable, born out of my empathy after having gone through similar experiences, was more powerful than my embarrassment. My desire to ease her suffering was almost overwhelming because I understood so deeply how she felt lying there helpless. So, as I thought about all of that this morning, I thought of the Savior and all that he suffered. It made me understand in a way I never have before that because he literally felt the pains of everything we would ever suffer, he KNOWS what we need and has the power to comfort us in our afflictions. My prayer this morning was that he would comfort my mom in His infinite wisdom, knowing best what she needs and that he would guide me to comfort her in the ways I can. All of this testifies to me that God loves us and his greatest act of love was sending his son to this earth so that he would be able to succor his children in the afflictions.

We don't know what will happen with my mom. People do die from bacterial meningitis, but they also recover. I'm praying that she will be in the Lord's hands and that we will all feel the peace that comes from knowing he loves us and manifests his tender mercies in our lives.

SHEESH!!!!

I CANNOT believe that I can shut down my computer one night, restart the next morning, open up my web browser and still be logged in as ANONYMOUS GENIUS or whatever kid happened to take over MY computer and not log out! I have commented on so many blog posts today as anonymous genius and now I'm tired and I don't want to go back to everyone's blog and change it. It's like the cyber equivalent of leaving the toilet seat up in a house with girls, in the middle of the night, and the girl in question sits down and FALLS IN! It's not okay! And little heads are going to roll a bit when they get home from school!

P.S. If I didn't make it to your blog and comment as anonymous genius, please don't be offended, I only have a short window of time to shower and hang out on the computer before the baby wakes from his nap!

Okay, ranting done.

Goodbye

Our beloved President of the Church, Gordon B. Hinckley passed away this week. He was an extraordinary man who had boundless energy, a wonderful sense of humor, and an unwavering testimony in the Savior, Jesus Christ. Although I have seen other prophets come and go, Pres. Hinckley has truly been the prophet I have known and loved best. Someone sent me this tribute and I wanted to share it and offer it as my tribute as well. Pres. Hinckley would have hated the praise and adoration, but it is well deserved.


I got this quote from my friend Jenny's blog -- she quotes a book by President Hinckley written for the women of the world. This truly illustrates how positive, powerful, yet humble Pres. Hinckley was.

"People wonder what we do for our women. I tell you what we do: we get out of their way and look with wonder at what they can accomplish."

"Believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to do great and good things. Believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it. Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it. You are not destined to be a scrub. You are a child of God, of infinite capacity.
Believe that you can do it-whatever it is the you set your heart on. Opportunities will unfold and open before you. The skies will clear when they have been dark and portent."

Pres. Hinckely, I'm so happy that you are with your sweet and funny wife again -- but you will be missed dearly by those of us whose lives you have touched.