An Unexpected Confirmation

Karen Packer is to blame, there’s no doubt about that. I never would have even considered it before I met the Packers. But they had to go and be all…normal! What were they thinking? Their kids aren’t weird, nerdy, or socially backward. They’re certainly not the mini-adults I have met in other home-schooled families who want to talk your ear off non-stop about the latest innovation they’ve made on their Lego model of an airplane engine. Nope, the Packer kids are just charming, happy, wonderful children who give a bad name to home-schoolers everywhere. Thanks a lot Packers, because after meeting you, I had to look into home-schooling again – a system of education that terrifies me.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve had nagging doubts about my kids’ education for the last 16 years; I have always had the excuse that home-schooled kids are so mal-adjusted that they can’t function in real society. But recently that false belief has been challenged and I can’t ignore the nagging doubts anymore, especially now that they are screaming inside of my head. Now I have a child who is suffering. Before, the issue was just that my other kids were incredibly smart and I felt frustrated when they hit school that the pace of their learning and their enthusiasm for it diminished markedly. But there is much more to feed my worried mind since Curtis started school. My sweet Curtis, age 7 has more potential and talent than I have seen in any of my other children. He also has significantly more issues in realizing that potential. We’re not sure what the diagnosis will be with him, but I think that he has obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety. Take a child with these issues and put him into a first grade class room with a woman who has no business being there because she yells and screams at 6 year-olds to get them to comply; and you get a child who is still afraid of school, who walks to the bus everyday, shoulders slumped, filled with angst and sadness. It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve been talking to Karen Packer about home-schooling since last year when we moved here. I saw her phenomenal family and wanted my family to be like that. I first approached her because the schools in our district are considerably more backward and problematic than we’ve ever encountered and I could tell it was going to be a rough year for everyone. But I also had a baby and a 2-year-old at home and I was drowning in motherhood, living in a new city far from home or friends, with no one to turn to for support. I couldn’t even think about doing it. Even now, there’s the tiny little detail of my complete inability to organize my life or stick to a routine. And that’s why home-schooling has terrified me. The crux of it all is that I don’t believe that I could home-school well because I cannot picture it happening. I don’t do anything at home well. I don’t believe in myself. I love my kids and I have many talents, but being a homemaker isn’t one of them. I feel that somewhere (or everywhere) I will fail if it all lies on my shoulders alone. (All being: housework, laundry, cooking, and schooling.) But I’m not alone and it doesn’t all lie on my shoulders. God reminded me of that this morning.

I was reading my scriptures on the front porch in the early morning and I said a little prayer that I would have the spirit with me as I read, that God might be able to teach me something. Nevertheless, as I continued to study I couldn’t keep my mind focused on the words and I struggled with a racing mind. Thoughts of last night’s class writings on the book A Thomas Jefferson Education filled my head and broke my concentration. As I sat in my Five Pillars of Education class the previous evening, I was struck with how these wonderful, strong, intelligent women (and Lance) were describing how this book had transformed their families’ lives. They used the same language in describing A Thomas Jefferson Education as I use to describe my belief in God, Jesus Christ and His gospel. They were like converts and wanted to yell it from the rooftops so others could experience the same joy they had found. I was moved by their passion and their peace in the tough decision to home-school. So as I sat in my chair this morning, with the birds chirping all around, the morning breeze brushing my skin, and these thoughts crowding my brain for recognition, I was hit all of the sudden with an overwhelming confirmation that TJEd was what I needed to do for Curtis and my other children. It was then I began to sob, because it was the same terrifying feeling I had when the spirit confirmed to me that I should have my seventh child. I knew it was what God wanted me to do and I knew even more profoundly that it was something I would never be able to do on my own. I would have to struggle on my knees and deepen my faith in His Son’s grace in my life if I were to even begin to think about it. Well, this time I hadn’t even asked God the question because I was so afraid of the answer! He managed to sneak it in anyway with my simple plea to teach me through His spirit. (That must have given Him a chuckle.) And although it scares me, the answer then and now is a gift from a loving Father in Heaven as well as an admonition that says, “You cannot get too comfortable in your life or you will forget to turn your life over to me.” He knows that with His help I can be so much more than I am, but I can’t seem to remember that lesson and it’s hard to see myself through His eyes. It has been my experience that he won’t give up on teaching us these important lessons; He will only intensify His efforts until we hear. Well, now I hear and I feel His gentle whisper of love and support as He reminds me where I need to go for strength. I also see that His guiding hand has lead me to an amazing group of women who I am sure will help me see the vision of what I need to do. I feel humble and grateful for another lesson that has me in tears but ready to move ahead, taking a step into the dark so that I may find the light.