Funny Things Happen When You're Too Tired to Open Your Eyes

Every morning at 6:15 a.m. I hear a loud "hmmm mmmm" (throat clearing) and blearily look up to see my oldest, Zach in my doorway, trying to wake me up to take him to school. Sometimes I try to get up earlier so I'm up and moving before this happens. But lately, I have been dead to the world when it occurs. Last Thursday, I was even more exhausted than usual and dreaming the MOST bizarre dream (that will have to be a separate post!) Zach "hmm mmm"ed at me and I wearily rolled over the side of the bed and made a grab at the closest thing I could find on the floor to wear, my nightgown. I usually don't drive in my nightgown, I mean really, how embarrassing would that be to have the car break down or a cop pull me over and there I am in my short, yellow, embroidered-around-the-neck jammies? But it is only 5 minutes to the High School and it was 6:15 a.m. for heaven's sakes! And I was right, nobody saw me, even when I realized it was garbage day and I ran out to put the garbage cans in. Oh wait, I think a teenage boy down the street was getting into his car, but I'm pretty sure he didn't care (it's not like my bare legs are stopping traffic these days!)

After I took Zach, Hannah was up and ready by 7:15 a.m. and it was time to drive her and another neighborhood boy to school. I really should have changed out of my nightgown at this point, but I actually ended up almost falling asleep on the couch between taking Zach and taking Hannah, so I groggily heaved my body off the couch and got in the car to take Hannah.

After we picked up Nathan, Hannah and I were talking about sewing a pocket into a skirt (a random conversation) and I reached down to show her the seam of my nightgown to illustrate where the pocket would go. As I looked down to grab it, I noticed that the tag was hanging out on the side, because I had it on INSIDE OUT! I showed Hannah and we busted out laughing. Nathan didn't say anything and we didn't explain because we were laughing too hard! So nice to know that I'd been galavanting around all morning in an inside out, frumpy yellow embroidered mumu. What a great way to start the day! I guess that's happens when you're too tired to look at what you're putting on.

As a side note: Later it dawned on me that I had to have a pretty great daughter for her to just laugh with me over my silliness. I could totally picture some of the surly teenage girls I know saying, "Mother! I can't believe you went out like that! Drop me off at the corner so I can pretend I don't know you." I think I'm pretty lucky that she doesn't consider me an embarrassment! Still, I'm going to watch what I wear during the morning carpool from now on -- if I can keep my eyes open!

Mystery Solved

(Sorry Laundry Queen, you already heard this one)

I was commenting on my friend's blog when I remembered a strange situation from my childhood. My sister Becky used to sneak sour cream by the giant spoonful out the fridge when she was a kid. She loved it! Santa even brought her tubs of sour cream in her Christmas stocking. I would try to come eat some and she would say it was her medicine and mine was butter. So I would eat the butter and she'd eat the sour cream. Is it any wonder that I have to fight an inner-battle with the butter fiend in me every time I'm tempted to spread butter on a sandwich underneath the peanut butter? No wonder my cholesterol is so high. It's my sister's fault!

"And now for the rest of the story..."

Deborah asked me about my camera, so here's the scoop. Five years ago Ren bought me an Olympus Camedia C-5050, one of the first generation digital SLR cameras out there. I've used it a million or more times since then and I really didn't mean to be abusive, but I seem to have dropped it a few times. The first time the control knob on the top broke off, but I discovered it was in auto shoot mode, so I've still been able to use it. The second time, part of the battery compartment door broke off, but it mostly kept the batteries in, so again I forged ahead (that was a few months ago). But this time, the battery door totally broke and the casing of the camera broke and no matter what I do, it just won't take a shot (or maybe it will, but 5 seconds after I press the button, turn the camera around all over and finally give up, then it takes.) So it's basically toast. I feel a little guilty that maybe I secretly wanted a new one so bad I was mean to this one, but if my sub-conscious really was taking over, I had no knowledge of that fact. Really.


The camera I want is the Canon EOS Digital Rebel XSI (at least that's what my husband says.) I knew I wanted a Canon Digital Rebel, he figured out the one with the most mega pixels, etc. and won't let me get anything less, which means I can't get anything. Costco has this camera with an extra lens for just under $1000. Does anybody out there have any opinions about cameras, because maybe I could get something else cheaper that would still be high quality and allow me to do portraits and landscape enlargements at high quality. I'm open for suggestions...

Slumpin'

Oh my gosh, I am in such a blogging slump! Ever since Ren started his night teaching schedule, it's all I can do to get the kids in bed and then I crash! (and I never seem to have a moment to spare during the day, I wonder why that is?) But now my blog is so sad and lonely. Since I'm not posting, no one is commenting, so I get bummed and I don't post then nobody comments...it's a vicious cycle!

My other problem (and it's a BIG one as far as I'm concerned) is that I dropped my camera one too many times (it has survived two other major crashes) and it died a sad and painful death. It teased me for a day or two, taking pictures randomly then shutting down, but now it's given up the ghost (or the memory card?) How can I blog without pictures to inspire me? I can only be witty without pics for so long and then my brain turns off! In fact, I meant to blog about our amazing Labor Day trip to San Diego (we rented a beach house on Mission Beach and surprised the kids), but I dropped the camera while I was packing and didnt' get any good pictures. Oh the pain of that disaster!!!!!! The camera I want is around $1000 and I certainly don't have that kind of money sitting around -- but I can't bring myself to buy a lesser camera because I'll be frustrated! Whiney, whiney, whine!

Sorry, maybe it would have been better if I'd left the blog abandoned, but un-whiney. So, until I get my mojo back or take up a caffeine habit, this blog may suffer for a while. I'll try to do better, but I'd better not make any promises.

The Invisible Woman

This is an amazing video for all the mothers out there who occasionally wonder, "Now why am I doing this again?"

If you live in Gilbert, don't miss out!

I just wanted to pass along news of a wonderful opportunity. Heather Madder is a friend from church who is an inspiring speaker, author and teacher. She is holding an event soon that sounds like an amazing opportunity for those of us who are striving to make our families better. Every time I hear Heather speak, I come away from the experience thoughtful and motivated to make changes for the better in my life. I'm sure this event will be no different. Here is the info as she sent it to me:

Dear Friends,

For quite some time, I have been deeply interested in working to assist families in being secure, positive, peaceful, and healthy. This is why I am so excited about presenting "Families in Motion" with Dr. Neil Weiner, whose work has been transforming parents and children for over 30 years. Well-known in his field, he has a flourishing practice, has co-authored an industry standard book (as well four others), and is regularly invited to present at conferences, hospitals, and on television.

Together, we'll be sharing information that will assist your family to thrive and parents are invited to bring situation-specific questions to gain expert support and advice. Pleae join me on September 24th as we launch this three-part educational series designed to uplift and empower you and your children!
"Families in Motion"
Fall Series with Dr. Neil Weiner
Sept 24; October 22; Nov. 12th

September 24th:
Powerful Parenting through Authentic Leadership

*Learn how to to genuinely lead instead of control.
*Motivate your kids to be an active contributor at home.
*Learn how to really communicate with each child.
*Gain creative, problem solving solutions for all ages.
*Create a home of wholeness, unity, & cooperation.

Advance Price $15.00 per evening / $40.00 series
(at the Door Price $20 per evening)

For location, times, & details on full series visit
www.HeatherMadder.com!

Six Unremarkable Things

I was tagged by Janeannchovey to list six unremarkable things about me. Why does that seem hard to me? Well, here's what I came up with.

1. I adore anything (pretty much) with peanut butter as a main ingredient.
2. I love cute pajamas (and getting new ones).
3. I wish I could REALLY sing (like solo-worthy, not just church choir.)
4. I play the piano. (There, that one is extremely unremarkable.)
5. I wear size 7 1/2 shoes.
6. I have freckles on my...arms!

Terms & conditions:

Link the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules on your blog.
List 6 unspectacular things about you.
Tag 6 other bloggers by linking them.

So now I tag Hannah, Cathy, Jenny J., Deborah, Heather W., and Erin B.

Mom, was that you?

We had a little excitement last night. I was out at a book club (of sorts) and then I went to pick up Zach at band practice. We stopped by the store on the way home for a few necessaries and Hannah called me, a little freaked out, and wanted to know if I'd tried to come in the barred door about 10 minutes ago. Surprised, I said, "No, I'm just finishing up at the store." I quizzed her to make sure she wasn't exaggerating or something and she assured me she heard the door push open against the bar and the security system beeped to indicate an opening door. Well, I got a little freaked out and rushed home, on the way calling my closest neighbor (who's number I remember) and asking her to check on Hannah. Her husband was on his way home from work, so she got a little freaked out, locked her door and told me I should call the police to come and check it out. I felt a little silly doing that, so I asked her if she would! She did and a few minutes after I got home, we had a very nice police woman and man tripping over toys and discarded toddler clothing as they checked out the back yard. They found nothing, luckily. Hannah told me that while she was waiting for me to come home, she had grabbed a knife and walked through the house to make sure no one was there. I was pretty impressed with that brave move, as this is my daughter who historically has been VERY fearful about being home alone. Good for her. I did explain to her that holding a knife you don't really know how to use (unless she was going to finely dice carrots for the intruder -- in which case it would do nicely) could turn into a weapon he would use against her. We decided that the best course of action is to flip out like a woman with SEVERE pms, that scares most of the men I know.

Freeze Out!

Zach and I played "Freeze Out!" in the car on the way to marching band this morning at 6:15 a.m. For those of you who may not know the rules of this classic adolescent game, you roll all the windows down while driving and see how long it takes for you to freeze. Usually you do it the winter, but our freakishly low temperature this morning inspired Zach to want to play it during our morning drive to school -- it was 74 degrees! Woo Hoo! Summer is almost over here in Arizona, I can feel it! We've had night time lows in the 80's all summer, so to go outside and feel a cool breeze whipping the tumbleweeds across the street made me positively optimistic that cooler weather is coming! Yay!

The Naked Truth

Here is my latest, probably controversial, humor column for Knack Magazine. I went through some angst to get this one done. I actually wrote a completely different article, submitted it and got the feedback that it wasn't funny. Oops. That hurts. Well, the events described in this column happened the very day that I got the message that I'd have to rewrite or redo my article. All I can say is that God answers our prayers in extremely unexpected ways sometimes, including inspiring wacky events so I have something funny to write about. At least I know He cares about even my mundane worries. The magazine is coming out this week, so here's my sneek peak! (There are NO pictures associated with this column, read on to see why!) =)

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I often find myself in situations that I think are hilarious. (Okay, I usually put myself in them before I have a chance to think things through.) But I’m always surprised to hear that others just find them outrageous! For example, I had a surreal wacky experience the other day and when I called my sister to tell her about it, after laughing hysterically she said, “You can’t write about that for your magazine!” Now I’m thinking, “Why can’t I? It happened to me. It made me laugh!” Then I talked to my mom and her hesitation, in the place of her usual motherly support, told me that she was on my sister’s side of the argument. So, because I’m me, I’m going to write about it. (I just won’t say neener, neener, neener – that would be immature.)

I’d been swimming out back with my two youngest children, the “Littles”. It was close to lunchtime, but I was trying to quickly get a shower in so I could face the rest of the day with makeup and a hairdo. (I know, my expectations were already way too high!) Well, I had successfully showered at supersonic speed and was working on the “after shower routine” (rubbing in hair gel like a mad woman) when Gideon, my one-and-a-half year-old came into the bathroom carrying a bag of eight large hamburger buns and crying hysterically because he couldn’t open them up. He had hit critical hunger mass while I was in the shower and he needed food IMMEDIATELY. I think we all know that a one year-old with low blood sugar is a creature not to be ignored. I reached for my robe, but I couldn’t find it. He was screaming and I was flustered so I figured I’d just quickly run out to the kitchen, make him a PB&J, and then pop back into my bathroom to finish what I was doing. Sure I’d be naked, but all I could think was, “Must make food. Must stop screaming.” That’s what a hysterical child does to your brain; it pretty much ends up functioning on a primitive level. That’s why the thought didn’t occur to me to throw a towel around myself. Praying that no one came to the door (or peeked in my windows) I was breaking the world sandwich making record when I heard Eli, my three year-old saying, “Mom! I wanna take your picher. Say Cheese!” I turned around to see him with his sister’s camera in hand. Yikes! “No, no, NO Eli!” I yelled, panic-stricken, as I rushed around to get the camera; but then Gideon started freaking because the sandwich making had stopped. Chaos ensued. I somehow managed to distract the pint-sized photographer and get food into Gid without becoming the subject of secret nude photos. Then I sprinted back to my bathroom thinking, “My life is NOT normal!”

I’m still laughing about it as I write, thinking, “How does a nice girl like me find herself in a mess like that? And why would my family be so stressed about me sharing the experience?” A short time later, I get a call from someone with a New Jersey cell phone number. A man with a deep voice, claiming to be from Child Protective Services tells me that he has found a picture of me on an internet site! “What?” I think. “Did someone take a picture off my blog? Were my friends right when they warned me to make my blog private?” “Ma’am,” he continues, “It shows you naked in your kitchen.” Huh?!! “Wait a minute,” I puzzle, “something’s wrong here.” It takes me a second to realize that THERE WERE NO NUDE PHOTOS TAKEN! “No you didn’t!” I fire back, and my dear brother-in-law starts laughing uproariously into the phone, thinking he is SO hilarious! And who told him, anyway?! Then he says, “Jen, you can tell your story, just say that you threw on a towel before you went in the kitchen.” Well, that was the nail in the coffin! The “naked chef” story just isn’t funny unless I’m …well…naked! (Plus, it’s how it really happened.) So, I’m thinking, “Would Erma Bombeck sugarcoat the naked truth of the story?” (Pun intended) Of course she wouldn’t! She’s the woman who wrote about losing her mastectomy prosthesis while running through an airport, only to find it moonlighting as a shoulder pad! I’m no Erma Bombeck, but she is my idol. Her ability to laugh at herself has shaped who I am and how I deal with the craziness of my life. So I embrace my brainless nudity. I share my stupidity with the world so you can all laugh with me! Then I’ll make sure to keep my bathrobe out of the laundry black hole to avoid any more naked culinary catastrophes! I don’t want my children to have to pay for more therapy than is absolutely necessary.

Monsoon!

We have been hit by a few GIANT monsoons the last week or so. One afternoon it hit just before the boys got home from school. Hannah and her friend Michelle were already home and they made a rain suit for Eli out of a garbage bag and a big bowl. He looked so funny. After Eli played in the downpour, we took the Littles over to see the park, which had flooded and they just had to go play in the water. The bus drops the boys off there, so when Cody, Jonah and Curty saw the Littles playing, they ran home, put on swim suits and headed back over to the park. I sacrificed much by braving the murky water and many, MANY bugs to wade across the playground and get the best angles for pictures. I even found a cockroach crawling up my leg! Eww! We all came home soaking wet and scratching many bug bites, but it was memorable, especially in the endless heat of the summer. Here's some pics...

Here's Eli in his designer rain suit.




Cody found a black, velvety butterfly and rescued it from the water. It was beautiful.


Gideon made friends with a neighborhood dog.


The boys decided that a "water" park was much more fun than the regular park.






Growing up in Oregon I learned that rain meant cold, miserable, depressing days where you couldn't go outside. Now I chuckle to find that rain means something completely different in Arizona. It is a precious relief from the heat and allows us to escape from the confines of the house to enjoy our beautiful neighborhood; at least until the sun comes out again and the steam starts to rise.