"Holy Hot Weather, Batman!"

Yes, it's summer in Arizona. There is nothing more I can say. I did write this month's humor column on how much I hate the heat here, so I thought this was an appropriate time to share it on my blog (and the fact that I finally got a hard copy, so I'm not spoiling anything.) It was actually printed in the magazine without my tips for coping with the heat (I added them later and apparently they were just a little too off-the-wall or something, but I still like them.) I'm actually in Utah right now spending some quality time with my brother Ben's first child. My new nephew Wesley is beautiful and will get his own blog entry soon. But for now, here is another installment of Mom Humor from Knack Parenting Magazine (knackparenting.com).

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I gave up my small swearing habit several years ago, even though it only ever consisted of, what I call, the “Bible swear words". But picture this Oregonian/Utahan/New Yorker/Californian moving to Arizona last August and you’ll understand why my self-control slipped for a while. It was then I learned the truth: the heat here is a make-you-want-to-swear kind of hot that is deservedly legendary in other states and shocking to a family moving here in the summer! After living here for a week I wrote my parents in Oregon saying, “It’s 112 freakin’ degrees here! (Hotter than SCHNELL!) But it’s a dry heat, so it only feels like 111.”

So how do you stay cool? My first thought, “Water!” was shot down by a disturbing fact: In Arizona, water in the summer never gets cold; it is, in fact, HOT coming out of the tap. “Oh yes,” you think, “That’s normal, isn’t it?” No, it is NOT normal, it is actually quite disconcerting. I used a bathroom in a restaurant last summer and felt steam rising up from the bowl as I sat there. I was VERY confused at first (insert any number of strange thoughts here) until I investigated and discovered the water coming into the bowl was hot enough to produce steam. I’m sure I like my skin nicely steamed as much as the next girl; but usually it happens during a facial, not a potty trip.

The ramifications of this soon became obvious: Visions of my children shrieking with glee in the refreshing spray of a slip ’n’ slide or the family playfully throwing cold, wet sponges at each other as we washed the cars turned to nightmares filled with kids crying from scalded skin, burned in the aftermath of an innocent turn of the hose spigot. A little crazy, yes; but you see, the heat was quickly driving me over the edge. Luckily, divine intervention saved my sanity.

One morning I woke up early and sensed something different. It had rained through the night and was a cool 80 degrees outside. Everywhere, large puddles reflected the clouds still lingering in the sky. I ran through the house shouting, “Wake up kids! It’s not hot outside!” and we had a splash-fest/pajama party in the puddles. I think it was God’s way of saying, “Give it a chance. I’ll help you find a way to like it here, but only if you stop swearing about it.” Sheepishly I thought, “Okay, I’m sure it won’t be hotter than schnell forever.”

Now the heat is here again and I’m trying to stay cool of head, if not cool of body. I’ve even discovered a few tips that will help the Arizona newcomer cope with the heat and its side effects. First, when you find yourself in need of a shower in the afternoon, but by that time of day the water in the pipes is so freakishly hot that there is no adjusting it, I have a solution. Put on your swimsuit, grab your shampoo, soap and a loofah sponge, and jump into the pool, which, by the middle of summer, is as warm as any bathtub.

If public bathing doesn’t appeal to you, here’s another technique I’ve actually tried (but only during off-peak electricity hours): Crank the a/c down to around 74 degrees. Then after you’ve removed your clothes, take your time getting in the shower. Once you’re covered in goose bumps, jump into the hot shower and it will feel SO good!

Finally, if you can’t stand the thought of grilling dinner one more night, try a little propaganda with your family. As you serve them beef stew and homemade bread say, “Ah! There’s nothing like hot soup and warm bread on a hot day!” Slowly they will learn to associate the cozy things of other people’s winter with the chill of air conditioning.

We’ve found that it is possible to beat the incessant heat here in Arizona, it just takes a little creativity. And if nothing else works, we’ll join my 3 year-old and run around nakie for the next 3 months. I may get in trouble for starting a nudist colony in my own home, but it should cut down on the laundry!