Black Friday Loser

It's 6:15 a.m., Friday, November 26, 2010. Here I sit, cozy on the couch with my lap-warmer pooch Henry, listening to the ticking of the clocks and enjoying the dancing flames of the gas fireplace. To the casual observer it would not seem that I have just gone through an experience that will forever redefine my image of myself, yet it's all too plain to me. I have just discovered that I am NOT a Black Friday "Shopper".

I have always avoided shopping on Black Friday like brussell sprouts or changing someone else's kid's poopy diaper. But this year, my teenagers got it into their heads that they just had to see the phenomenon of Black Friday. I personally don't see what is so appealing about hundreds of crazed shoppers wielding their carts like a full body shield as they wend their way to the LCD TVs. But who am I to say? So, in my continuing quest to retain my "cool mom" status (despite my inability to jump on the trampoline without wetting myself), I traded child labor (the twins and Hannah cleaned up after Thanksgiving dinner) for a trip to Target and Wal-mart in the wee hours of the morning.

I told the boys I wouldn't set an alarm, so it was up to them to wake me if they really wanted to go. They did, and crept into my room at 3:26 a.m. I'm sad to say that my insomniatic brain had been waking me up at 10 minute intervals since 2:30 so I was already awake. When I came out from getting dressed, Jonah and Cody were sitting on the couch wearing short sleeves and Cody in shorts. I don't believe they'd ever been awake in the middle of an Arizona winter night (it was 37 degrees outside) and they groused a little when I suggested sweatshirts. They were soon grateful for them.

When we got to Target at 4:10 a.m. the parking lot was jammed and the door had a huge crowd of people in front of it. We lemings stood there together, huddled for warmth, trying not to breathe each other's morning breath, waiting for the doors to open. As we waited and waited then began to watch the security guards letting people out with cart after cart of big tv boxes, it occurred to us that there was another entrance where they were actually allowing people to go in. That's where the veteran shoppers were in line. Nice. Failure #1: standing in the wrong line.

Finally they opened our doors and the boys and I sauntered in. People rushed past us on their own personal hunt for the deal they just had to get up at 4 am to buy. We soon realized that we didn't know the layout of this particular Target very well, so we meandered around trying to find the $17 Razor scooters (on sale from $29.99 -- not a bad deal.) I was a little uneasy when I saw a cart laden with scooters plowed past me, but we continued deeper into the unknown.

Finally, we found the right aisle but no sale scooters graced the shelves. I looked and looked, trying to decipher the tags on the shelves to see if there had indeed been any sale scooters. I finally noticed a battered box way back on the top shelf. A different brand but still $17, so I snagged it. Strange that nobody fought me for it. Then I saw the shelf with the super cool, SPARK scooter that Eli wants. Not on sale. "Oh well," I thought, "he still wants it so I'll buy it now." I was a little embarrassed to grab something that was full price. I was sure an alarm would sound somewhere and everyone would turn to look at the idiot who got up at 3:30 am to purchase a non-sale scooter. Failure #2.

I handed each twin a scooter and set off to find the $5 pajamas. As I moved westward toward the clothing, the aisles became thick with people and carts and large electronics boxes. I sensed I was moving into the heart of the hive. Swarms of shoppers were everywhere, mobbing large displays of...Black Friday screamin' deals! I had found the real center of the shopper's universe, unfortunately too late for my scooter deal. Only pink barbie scooters left -- that wasn't gonna fly. Then I looked across the sea of bustling bed heads and spied large sale bins with jammies! I politely made my way through the stream of carts and found the $5 variety from the ad. Hmm...not the thick fluffy fleece I had imagined, but $5 was still a great deal, or was it? Failure #3: getting sucked in by the ad and settling for cheap quality just because it was on sale.

At this point Hannah rendezvoused with me at the intersection of Boys pj's and Junior's sportswear. The twins were wandering around electronics, so Hannah and I browsed happily through the clothes and shoes and girly stuff, picking up a cute top for her that was a little bit on sale (and probably would be next week as well.) The boys called and told us they were in line and we should head over to them. We reluctantly gave up our relaxed and happy shopping and headed back into the mob to find the boys. Failure #4: spending time "just for fun" shopping at 4:30 am when we could sleep in and do the same thing later.

You'd think there might not be any more ways to exhibit my Black Friday loser-ish qualities, but you would be pretty much wrong. When we got in line I glanced at the display of candy and there atop the gum and mints sat a discarded Disney Cars collectors pack of 10 character cars. My littles LOVE them and there were definitely some in that pack that we need for our collection! I saw no price. No other shoppers fought me for it so it was obviously not on sale. But I just felt compelled to grab it and add it to the armload of jammies and stuff that I already held. I'm pretty sure Black Friday is NOT about mindless impulse shopping: Failure #5.

Lastly, we chatted happily with the checkout lady while she rang up our stuff. The $17 scooter I found (not a Razor, not the Great Black Friday Deal) was on sale, but was originally $19.95.  Woo hoo. A whole $2 off. Many of the items we purchased weren't even on sale. Did it matter? No. We still got to walk out of Target with those happy red Christmas bags like we had accomplished one of Hercules' great labors!

Here at home though, as I sit and analyze the experience I see myself for what I am and what I am not. I lack the killer instinct. I just don't sense the instinctive things like what door I should line up at and where in the store the BIG SALE ITEMS will all be stacked. I'm too polite. I'm an ADHD shopper, getting distracted by every "shiny" thing that flashes in my periphery. I'm just not Black Friday material. Cyber Monday yes. Random Wednesdays and Thursdays or even a Tuesday morning? Certainly. And it's nice to know. We should all go through such a process of self-discovery, embrace who we are and shout it from the rooftops, "I AM A BLACK FRIDAY LOSER!"  *Cleansing breath.* Now, on to the real purpose of the morning after Thanksgiving: PUMPKIN PIE for breakfast.