Freeze Out!

Zach and I played "Freeze Out!" in the car on the way to marching band this morning at 6:15 a.m. For those of you who may not know the rules of this classic adolescent game, you roll all the windows down while driving and see how long it takes for you to freeze. Usually you do it the winter, but our freakishly low temperature this morning inspired Zach to want to play it during our morning drive to school -- it was 74 degrees! Woo Hoo! Summer is almost over here in Arizona, I can feel it! We've had night time lows in the 80's all summer, so to go outside and feel a cool breeze whipping the tumbleweeds across the street made me positively optimistic that cooler weather is coming! Yay!

The Naked Truth

Here is my latest, probably controversial, humor column for Knack Magazine. I went through some angst to get this one done. I actually wrote a completely different article, submitted it and got the feedback that it wasn't funny. Oops. That hurts. Well, the events described in this column happened the very day that I got the message that I'd have to rewrite or redo my article. All I can say is that God answers our prayers in extremely unexpected ways sometimes, including inspiring wacky events so I have something funny to write about. At least I know He cares about even my mundane worries. The magazine is coming out this week, so here's my sneek peak! (There are NO pictures associated with this column, read on to see why!) =)

**************************************************************

I often find myself in situations that I think are hilarious. (Okay, I usually put myself in them before I have a chance to think things through.) But I’m always surprised to hear that others just find them outrageous! For example, I had a surreal wacky experience the other day and when I called my sister to tell her about it, after laughing hysterically she said, “You can’t write about that for your magazine!” Now I’m thinking, “Why can’t I? It happened to me. It made me laugh!” Then I talked to my mom and her hesitation, in the place of her usual motherly support, told me that she was on my sister’s side of the argument. So, because I’m me, I’m going to write about it. (I just won’t say neener, neener, neener – that would be immature.)

I’d been swimming out back with my two youngest children, the “Littles”. It was close to lunchtime, but I was trying to quickly get a shower in so I could face the rest of the day with makeup and a hairdo. (I know, my expectations were already way too high!) Well, I had successfully showered at supersonic speed and was working on the “after shower routine” (rubbing in hair gel like a mad woman) when Gideon, my one-and-a-half year-old came into the bathroom carrying a bag of eight large hamburger buns and crying hysterically because he couldn’t open them up. He had hit critical hunger mass while I was in the shower and he needed food IMMEDIATELY. I think we all know that a one year-old with low blood sugar is a creature not to be ignored. I reached for my robe, but I couldn’t find it. He was screaming and I was flustered so I figured I’d just quickly run out to the kitchen, make him a PB&J, and then pop back into my bathroom to finish what I was doing. Sure I’d be naked, but all I could think was, “Must make food. Must stop screaming.” That’s what a hysterical child does to your brain; it pretty much ends up functioning on a primitive level. That’s why the thought didn’t occur to me to throw a towel around myself. Praying that no one came to the door (or peeked in my windows) I was breaking the world sandwich making record when I heard Eli, my three year-old saying, “Mom! I wanna take your picher. Say Cheese!” I turned around to see him with his sister’s camera in hand. Yikes! “No, no, NO Eli!” I yelled, panic-stricken, as I rushed around to get the camera; but then Gideon started freaking because the sandwich making had stopped. Chaos ensued. I somehow managed to distract the pint-sized photographer and get food into Gid without becoming the subject of secret nude photos. Then I sprinted back to my bathroom thinking, “My life is NOT normal!”

I’m still laughing about it as I write, thinking, “How does a nice girl like me find herself in a mess like that? And why would my family be so stressed about me sharing the experience?” A short time later, I get a call from someone with a New Jersey cell phone number. A man with a deep voice, claiming to be from Child Protective Services tells me that he has found a picture of me on an internet site! “What?” I think. “Did someone take a picture off my blog? Were my friends right when they warned me to make my blog private?” “Ma’am,” he continues, “It shows you naked in your kitchen.” Huh?!! “Wait a minute,” I puzzle, “something’s wrong here.” It takes me a second to realize that THERE WERE NO NUDE PHOTOS TAKEN! “No you didn’t!” I fire back, and my dear brother-in-law starts laughing uproariously into the phone, thinking he is SO hilarious! And who told him, anyway?! Then he says, “Jen, you can tell your story, just say that you threw on a towel before you went in the kitchen.” Well, that was the nail in the coffin! The “naked chef” story just isn’t funny unless I’m …well…naked! (Plus, it’s how it really happened.) So, I’m thinking, “Would Erma Bombeck sugarcoat the naked truth of the story?” (Pun intended) Of course she wouldn’t! She’s the woman who wrote about losing her mastectomy prosthesis while running through an airport, only to find it moonlighting as a shoulder pad! I’m no Erma Bombeck, but she is my idol. Her ability to laugh at herself has shaped who I am and how I deal with the craziness of my life. So I embrace my brainless nudity. I share my stupidity with the world so you can all laugh with me! Then I’ll make sure to keep my bathrobe out of the laundry black hole to avoid any more naked culinary catastrophes! I don’t want my children to have to pay for more therapy than is absolutely necessary.

Monsoon!

We have been hit by a few GIANT monsoons the last week or so. One afternoon it hit just before the boys got home from school. Hannah and her friend Michelle were already home and they made a rain suit for Eli out of a garbage bag and a big bowl. He looked so funny. After Eli played in the downpour, we took the Littles over to see the park, which had flooded and they just had to go play in the water. The bus drops the boys off there, so when Cody, Jonah and Curty saw the Littles playing, they ran home, put on swim suits and headed back over to the park. I sacrificed much by braving the murky water and many, MANY bugs to wade across the playground and get the best angles for pictures. I even found a cockroach crawling up my leg! Eww! We all came home soaking wet and scratching many bug bites, but it was memorable, especially in the endless heat of the summer. Here's some pics...

Here's Eli in his designer rain suit.




Cody found a black, velvety butterfly and rescued it from the water. It was beautiful.


Gideon made friends with a neighborhood dog.


The boys decided that a "water" park was much more fun than the regular park.






Growing up in Oregon I learned that rain meant cold, miserable, depressing days where you couldn't go outside. Now I chuckle to find that rain means something completely different in Arizona. It is a precious relief from the heat and allows us to escape from the confines of the house to enjoy our beautiful neighborhood; at least until the sun comes out again and the steam starts to rise.

Deep Thoughts

So I was watching Teletubbies with Gid (and with that one sentence I've already lost all credibility!) and the live action clip (a standard part of every Teletubbies episode) showed a bunch of kids in Korea blowing bubbles. They had a big bowl of bubble solution and the first shot was of a little boy with a homemade bubble wand. He was dipping it in the solution and waving it around and I'm thinking, "How quaint, I love his little homemade bubble wand." Then it cuts to several of the other children frolicking around with these really cool, plastic bubble trumpets and whistles and other bubble thing-a-ma-jigs. Instantly, the mom in me takes notice of these cool toys and I wonder where they would have gotten such a vast aray of cool bubble paraphernalia. Then it dawns on me, if you want to find endless varieties of cheap plastic toys, they're probably "Made in Korea". Korean kids must have the BEST Happy Meals toys EVER! But why does the first kid have to make his own bubble wand out of wire, a stick and some tape? It's definitely something to ponder. See! Teletubbies already had me thinking deep thoughts and it was only 7:15 a.m. (Or maybe it was sleep deprivation from getting up with Gid at 6:00 a.m. every morning.) Anyhoo, I'm so glad I could give the world something to think about. You're welcome.

It's late, but at least I know which Disney Princess I am!

Ren's out of town and he's usually the one that kicks me off the computer and into bed. So here it's 11:53 p.m. and I know that Gid will wake up at 6:00 a.m. (because of fate's twisted sense of justice) but thanks to Cindy Brown and Cathy (formerly) Brown, I just HAD to know which Disney Princess I am! I was so totally hoping for Mulan and Ta Da!!! I am her! "Let's go kick some hunny buns!"


You Are Mulan!

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

When growing up too fast is a good thing...

ELI IS FINALLY POTTY-TRAINED!!!!!! I'm sure you all must have heard the chorus of angelic choirs singing "Hallelujah!" when he finally made the connection between poo poo in the potty and the gummy worms in the cupboard. (No! Not that connection... the one where he gets to eat the gummy worms -- not the one about where they go after he eats!) So we're pretty happy to finally be over that hurdle.

But here is the amazing part:

Today, Ren and I and the Littles were hanging out in my bathroom while I finished my morning toilette. Both boys were still in a state of undress (what's new?) and Gid decided to sit on the little potty. Then Eli had to go so he was sitting on the big potty. The next thing I know, Gid is standing up and there is PEE PEE IN THE POTTY! I get all excited and we start high-fiving Gid and singing the "Pee Pee in the Potteh, Pee Pee in the Potteh!" song that our dear relatives, The Clawsons, taught us. Then Eli says, "I went pee pee too!" So we're high-fiving him and singing the song and there's a dance going on and it is potty pandemonium in the Byers bathroom! We flush Eli's and yell, "Bye Pee pee!" Then Gid wants to flush his, so we dump and flush and sing and high-five and wave bye-bye and it is a little bit of crazy bliss! I tell you, if Gid were to potty train, there would be a great white light shining over my house because we would seriously be in heaven! May the potty gods watch over us and smile favorably upon my little corner of chaos... Gid can grow up as fast as he wants if it means no more diapers in this house!

YAHOO!!!!!

My Heavenly Vacation

I just got back from spending four days in heaven... I went to Utah to help my brother Ben and his wife Sara with their newborn son Wesley. This is the first time that I've gotten to hold, cuddle and appreciate a newborn without suffering from sleep deprivation, soreness in many unmentionable places and the effects of becoming a "dairy queen" to feed my baby (and 10 others if you judge by how much milk I can produce!) It was wonderful! What a sweet baby they have and how nice it was to be able to help out and feel that I might actually know how to do the baby thing (I would HOPE so after SEVEN!!!!) They are doing an amazing job and I'm so happy for them. Thanks Ben and Sara for giving me the perfect vacation and for sharing your beautiful baby with me, I miss him already!


My brother Ben, the proud Papa

My sister-in-law Sara giving Wesley his first bath.

Auntie Jen lovin' every minute of it!