Mother's Day Thoughts 2008

I was up at 6:00 a.m. today with a baby/toddler boy who, despite going to bed at almost 10:00 last night, still feels that he should wake at the crack of dawn. I’m sure that on Mother’s Day you would think that my husband would get up with him, and he would if he weren’t in San Diego for some conference for work. (He did promise to track down the moron who planned a conference over Mother’s Day, but that is little consolation.) Of course, if he were here I’d still be getting up because he has the stomach flu. (Room service for toast, saltines and gingerale is $14!) Zach also has the flu which knocks out ½ of my selection of helpful children in one blow. I’m already on my second outfit of the morning because when I picked up Gid, his poopy diaper self-destructed on my front. “Happy Mother’s Day!” I think, “I am having the FULL mothering experience, it just can’t get any better than this!” I can’t speak for all mothers, but my experience with Mother’s Day is that it generates a nagging guilt that try as I might, I can’t shake off. It turns up when the kids ask me what I REALLY want for Mother’s Day and in my heart I know that just for one day I’d like to NOT be The Mom. “How could a real mother think such a thing?” I wonder sadly. I’ve been pondering that this morning and I’ve come up with an answer that works for me. If I were perfect I’d be able to do it all and do it happily. I’d maybe even be wearing pearls (can you say June Cleaver?) All the endless and varied tasks that are wrapped up in the package of Motherhood, would be possible to do (all day, every day for the next 25 years!) if I were perfectly patient, perfectly selfless, perfectly cheerful and had endless hours in the day and an unlimited supply of energy. Unfortunately, I’m not perfect and occasionally (like every 20 minutes) I need a break, so Mother’s Day always seems like as good an opportunity as any to ask for one. Today won’t be break day for me though, so I’m changing my attitude and trying to just appreciate what Mother’s Day is really about: honoring my own mother.

My mom has always felt very uncomfortable with Mother’s day – she feels the guilt even more strongly than I do. But as her child I see clearly why I want to honor her. I honor my mom, not because she was perfect, or even tried to be (which I think she did, much harder than I do); but because she stuck with the job to the end and beyond, discovering the joy that was to be found (if you looked hard enough) in the selfless acts of mothering. We all have to discover what that joy is from time to time, because the job is mercilessly hard and unrelenting in its demands. It is not for the wimpy, undetermined soul who lacks the vision to see it through decades of emotional investment with only small dividends through the years, until the big payoff in the distant future.

But my mom did it and did it well. I celebrate her for laughing at my funnies, consoling my sorrows, telling me my ideas are great and offering me the right amount of advice at the right times. All of this she did even when she was exhausted and cranky and it was the last thing she felt like doing. How do I know this? Because that’s what I do. I know from watching her that the true art of mothering involves selflessly forgetting oneself for a time to be there for your kids. I don’t feel like a failure when my house isn’t clean or when we eat cereal for dinner, but I do feel horrible when my kids want to tell me something they’re excited about and I don’t give them my full attention and enthusiasm. But I’m learning and one day I’ll have it down like she does.

My mom also deserves accolades for the unique things she taught me that help me fill my soul when it’s running on fumes. Lessons like:

Laugh at every opportunity…

My mom loves to laugh and she used to write funny poems about having fat knees or about gaining weight because of the poor starving children in China. One time she took us kids to picket a friend’s house because their strawberry plant was placed too close to the driveway and kept getting run over. We yelled “Equal Rights for Strawberries!” and got written up in the local paper.

If you must clean, move the furniture around…

I could only get excited about cleaning if my mom helped me rearrange my rooms in a totally new and different way or I got to redo my drawers or closets. My kids now are always asking me why the furniture is moved again, maybe someday they’ll understand that if something feels new and fun, it isn’t work at all.

You can pray about ANYTHING and God will answer…

I always knew that my mom had a red phone that God answered personally for her. When my best friend moved and I was so lonely in 8th grade, my mom went on a prayer campaign with me to pray for friends and by 9th grade I found them. I’m so blessed to have had that red phone passed on to me and I use it for my kids.

I guess what it boils down to is that to appreciate Mother’s Day, I just have to appreciate my mother. I have to follow the example she has always set, forget myself and focus on the good people around me. I can always set aside another day for myself (when my husband is in town!) but today I’m thinking of my mom. I’ve never been more grateful that she is still here with me and I love her more than ever. Mom, may your Mother’s Day be peaceful and simple, because that’s how you would want it.